Archive for the ‘The Eben Pagan Tool Box’ Category

The Eben Pagan Tool Box

September 8, 2008

“MONEY IS MADE WHERE VALUE IS CREATED. That’s the bottom line. Money is made where value is created.
Money is a medium of exchange. It’s the in between point. It’s just the lubrication that helps us trade value types quickly and easily. That’s the way to think of it. You don’t want to keep all your value in money…remember I said Money is the lowest intrinsic form of value that value can take. You don’t want to keep it there, you want to keep it in things you and other people find really valuable.

Learn to overcome that, just like you learn to overcome when a woman is challenging you, learn to overcome that dark feeling that comes up of ‘I’ve got to be treated fairly I got to get mine’. Learn to look at the bastard across the table who’s getting $99 and you’re getting $1 or $100 over and over and over while you’re getting NOTHING, and smile and say “I created value for someone, someone else got value” and learn and keep going and keep creating the value.”

“THAT is what keeps us from attaining what we want to attain. That’s it. That’s the game in a nutshell. That nut keeps us from having what we want, in the most general and specific sense. The answer is to let go of the nut.”
Clinching vs Relaxing
Judger vs Perciever

The Fundamental 5
Your Market
Your Marketing
Your People
Your Systems

…Your People take care of your Systems, Your Market defines your Marketing…Leaving you to focus on Your Market and Your People.

Make success inevitable – Inevitability Thinking.

Use Case Thinking.

“Make sure the person you want to have buy it:
1. is experiencing pain AND urgency or irrational passion [make sure there is a strong emotional desire inside of that prospect] Really really strong emotional desire, they want to buy something to help that desire get met. Strong. Pain+Urgency is the strongest. Anything else, losing game.
2. make sure that prospect is proactively seeking solutions, they have got to the points internally where they are out looking for a solution themselves [search engine marketing – by definition you are advertising to people who are looking – search marketing, make sure the prospect is looking for a solution – the prospect has gotten to the point where they want the solution so bad that they are proactively looking, they’re going out and looking themselves – they’ve got emotion and now they’re looking – by definition search engine marketing, they’re out there searching]
3. They have few or no percieved options [if someone has lots of percieved options then now you have to compete with everyone, if they have no or few perceived options to have their need met and their proactive and you’re there – who’s the obvious choice?]
4. (Frequency) / Relationship potential
Focus on an emotional need [pain and urgency / irrational passion], proactively looking for solutions, few or no perceived options…that’s the equation.
Fortunately you know this stuff, and you don’t just build a product, you build a category intentionally. There’s strategy behind this.
Use those 3 criteria for your ideas when trying to sell anything, it can save you so much time hassle and energy. Get out of your head and into theirs.”

Feature – Advantage – Benefit

On Empathy
“Negative capability – turn your stuff off so you can imagine what it’s like to be the other person, put yourself in their shoes. “see through” seeing through the eyes of another person. Shutting your stuff down long enought to imagine what it’s like to be them. Empathy. Compassion. Proactive empathy. Really wanting to know what it’s like to be them and what they value. Shut your stuff off and closing your eyes and: “What are my fears, frustrations, desires?””

On Partnering
1. Giving vs Getting
2. Long term vs Short term
3. Relationship vs Money

At The Heart and Root of It All, All Business Problems Boil Down To Failing To See/Understand The Perspective of Another Human Being

A Great Question To Ask: (subset of give/get in terms of value)
“At first glace [gut level], Does it feel like it’s going to give me something [learn something, etc], OR Does it feel like it’s going to take something away from me [like it’s trying to get something from me]?” “Looks like a give/take…”
Design = Trustability
The response should be: “You’re trying to give me something”…it shouldn’t take away credibility (it doesn’t happen consciously, but unconsciously)

“Getting Kills Wanting”

Endorsed Marketing + Proof (others / self)
“What’s the essence of selling and marketing? VALUE. Got it? That’s the essence.
Endorsed marketing, find someone that’s already got your customers, give value to them, get them to endorse your stuff, and when the people show up, show them proof, give them things so they can prove it to themselves, and then show them examples of other people who have done it [case studies and testimonials].”
Eben’s 6 Qualities of Star Players:
1. Driver
2. Being highly networked
3. being emotionally and socially intelligent
4. having millionaire next door sensibilities
5. having passion and aspirations
6. having strong personal passion about business
In addition to these, identify any other traits and qualifications needed for the specific role you’re considering

“Under Hand Toss” test

…organizing parts into a whole…

…what they’re putting in is more valuable than the money you’re giving them…
…find out from them what decision should be, and have them tell you what they should be doing…
…power is accumulated through learning to work with large groups of other people…execute things through groups of people…
…passion….track record of successfully driving projects to completion…
…stars don’t do it for the money, they do it for IMPACT…

Visual Dashboard
Systems – McDonalized to Harvard … Rigid to Flowing

Value and Monkey story and Infinite Justice Mechanism:
“THAT is what keeps us from attaining what we want to attain. That’s it. That’s the game in a nutshell. That nut keeps us from having what we want, in the most general and specific sense. The answer is to let go of the nut.”
“Notice this mechanism inside of you and get over it. When it triggers and you’re like ‘unfair, fair’ – go ‘oh right, that’s what’s keeping me in prison, got to let that go, I’ve got to relax into that’. Let it wash through you and say ‘no, no, no, I’m going to keep adding value – infact I am going to diligently add value, I’m going to add so much value I’m going to piss myself off so much that eventually I’m going to let go of it’ And if you stick at THAT and figure out what’s valuable and you add it and you do it and you keep at it…eventually there’ll be a drop that’ll come back, then another drop, and you reinvest those drops into adding even more value and creating more value and learning about what value is for your audience, and then the drops turn into a trickle, and then you reinvest that in learning and developing and adding more and more value and you keep reinvesting it and creating value for others and learning what value is, and then you wake up one day and there’s a huge river of value just flowing through your life…and like Napoleon Hill says “when it finally shows up, when success and money and wealth shows up, it comes with such force, you go ‘where has this been!? how could this possibly be?’ how could it be?” And that’s how it could be – because you change your mindset a little bit.”

“So be a superstar, be a star, be a driver, take responsibility, create more value, get off of money, get into creation of value, build a network, add value to really powerful people, upgrade your mastermind continually, and do not give up – do not give up”

“…You walk around in a simulation of reality pretending you’re awake, pretending you’re in control of your thinking and life
…accumulation of knowledge may be pushing you AWAY from learning
…repeating back lines is the simulation thinking you’re in control and can game the system a little better
…don’t believe anything too much because there will always come a time when it’s not true
…we live in a simulation of reality we have created [a map or model in our head – and we act on that – and not on reality] and have lost touch with the basic experience of life. We have a myth or a story, each of us individually, that shapes our perceptions, shapes our perspectives, shapes how we see things – we don’t remember where it came from, early wiring, imprints, our learnings we got when younger, impressions – and that is our story for everything, we’re not aware of it and we can’t escape it. ‘Waking up’, having more awareness, being more conscious of ourselves and what’s going on around us – this is the most important key to success with relationships – waking up, becoming more aware. In order to change we must get outside our comfort zone, change does not come from being inside your comfort zone – it happens outside, over the boundary. In order to get outside of our comfort zone, we need to build a base of safety and security – that’s our foundation, so we have an inner strength and centeredness, so we can go outside the comfort zone. we must face that which makes us uncomfortable DIRECTLY – face it, look it right in the eyes. Understand that attracting and keeping “a total 10” requires a level of authenticity and honesty that we do not yet have, a new level. The things that attract and keep a total 10 are not what you think they are, they’re something different, they’re things that are outside of your awareness right now, they require a new way of thinking, you don’t know that you don’t know them, you need to learn a new way of thinking, a new paradigm, not something you can get in a technique. In order to develop yourself to the point where you can attract and keep “a total 10” in your life long term, you must transform yourself, You must go through transformation, Transformation, And the interesting thing about transformation – is there’s no way of knowing what it is where you are, You can’t conceive of your next level from the level you’re at, Transformation is transcendent beyond where you are, You only get there when you get there, You don’t get there by simulating it in your mind. Don’t settle for quick fixes.
…most of these ideas are external, technique oriented, situational, or they’re nominalizations
…be honest about where you’re being externally influenced / noticing how your environment and people around you – coming to grips with what you may not be in as control with as you think, and figuring out what that thing behind the scenes is can be empowering i.e. “I worry about others before I worry about myself” -> may not be about you or them, may be the SCRIPT is “worry” and that’s the problem
…Inevitability is about Conditions (inevitability thinking) “How could I make it so that the outcome I want to achieve is inevitable?” It is something you realize inevitably. How do I create inevitability? How do I make it so that my outcome is inevitable? Takes care of all potential unknowns. It’s about setting up the conditions so that what you want to have happen happens automatically. So what are the conditions you need to set up in your life so what you want to have happen happens automatically – it is inevitable? It will happen. It may be things that are uncomfortable, hold you accountable. Formula? Get Leverage on Yourself. (sidenote: Arbitrage your own success, simply another application of margin of safety) “I could do it if I wanted to” is an excuse to making yourself do it. That “I could if I wanted” prevents you from getting leverage on yourself. Throw your hat over the fence first, then you have to climb it. What is something you need to make inevitable in your life? An outcome? A behavior? “I’m going to do whatever it takes to make this thing inevitable”?
YOU WILL SAY: “This one thing doesn’t matter, I’ll just put it off” so what could you put in place so that it becomes inevitable so that you absolutely do that – what is something that is much greater to move away from that will make you look at the current thing and go looking at it thinking ‘If I don’t do this thing, I got to deal with THAT – and it’s easier for me to do this thing'”
…personal evolution, paradox of ‘it wouldn’t be me’ that some part of us must fade or die to continue becoming ‘not me’, holding onto things and clinching vs relaxing
…your idea of who you are is really only a simulation anyways and your self imagine is something you made up in your mind – it’s a map you put in there, it’s not really who you are, it never is really who you are, FOR ANYONE
…Other people don’t like it when you’re outside your comfort zone because it puts them outside their comfort zones by definition (when you change, the things they do to manipulate you stop working and they don’t like that)
…people stay in this zone with convincing reasons upon getting close to edges, but when we cross the line outside our comfort zone we know something good will happen. Continually and habitually – physically, emotionally, logically – get outside your comfort zone. You win when you get outside your comfort zone. When doing things that get outside your comfort zone – to know whether it’s good or bad stuff because other people don’t like or it’s you or them – it’s irrelevant. Because that whole issue is INSECURITY. But if you get to a point where your INTENTION is right and you feel secure in yourself – you don’t need to ask whether you did the right thing or not, because you’re coming from the right place. As long as you’re coming from the right place, you’ll be okay. If you continually get outside your comfort zone you will have a critical mass where you feel “I feel like a different person than from who I was” – standing on a chair consistently and persistently for your own good
…Willpower is most precious form of energy we have (intentionality of thought, emotion, behavior). We burn willpower on internal conflict, external conflict, when something comes up for us we try and hold it down. In negative energies we’re burning energies inefficiently. Stop burning willpower on friction and conflictings – get rid of that stuff – notice where there are structural things in your life causing conflict, making it so you deal with people you don’t want to deal with etc that’s burning energy that could change your life – conserve that energy to make yourself strong first
…Being aware allows to create useful routines “oh wow I’m only going to be around for a while”. Awareness
…It never to ‘I got to remember to do it next time’ – what works is PRACTICING. Doing it proactively. It’s automatic next time you do it
…How to change your life long-term: Wake up, have a little awareness, marshall your willpower, get into a new thing you’re doing, get into a habit, then move onto the next one
…We often wait to figure it out when we get there instead of taking time to focus on the steps you’re going to take – plan the new behavior out..
…Wherewithal – YOU NEED A BASE OF SECURITY AND SAFETY, set aside time to create a foundation of safety and security – what gives you an inner feeling of safety and security, what brings you that inner “i’m okay” “Is the universe a friendly place?” – if you feel it’s a safe place, safety and security will flow from that – how do you get to feeling it is? Reptile brain – physically what do you need to do to feel safe? Mammal brain/emotionally – create a space in your life where you are emotionally safe and secure, a foundation of safety and security. Thinking brain – next make a space in your life logically/intellectually, make some ethical decisions, decide what’s right and wrong for you, make a space inside yourself create an intellectual safe space where you say ‘I’m going to operate in this realm and I’m going to be okay there, I’m going to feel good about what I do’
…LYING – What ISN’T lying? Delete (doesn’t even hit our awareness), Distort (we see it from a perspective that’s our lens/that’s our game), Generalize (we lump a bunch of stuff in a category and say ‘that is this’). What IS lying? CONSCIOUS DISTORTION OF YOUR ACTUAL PERSPECTIVE. INTENTIONALLY MISLEADING SOMEONE ELSE THROUGH OMISSION OR COMMISSION. Pretending to know anything for sure – when you pretend to know anything for sure you are in the process of lying. STAYING ATTACHED TO ONE JUDGMENT OR PERSPECTIVE. Your perspective is just your relative perspective. It’s one way of seeing what you see relative to the thing that you’re seeing, and there are others. ALL PERSPECTIVES ARE PARTIAL PERSPECTIVES. NO PERSPECTIVE IS COMPLETE – even this one. Trying to prove you’re right? You’re in a battle of partial perspectives. And when you are attached to your perspective, you’re lying to yourself and those you talk to. Remember, don’t believe anything too much, there will always be a place where it isn’t true
…Facing things/staring things right in the eye without flinching. Honesty is just relating the perspective you see. But you can be honest and still not be facing anything in your life
…Blocks usually come down to some kind of avoidance. Looking straight into the darkness of the thing we want to avoid. It’s very exilerating. Can bring you a lot of power. The elephant in the room, the thing no one wants to talk to. When you talk to the elephant in the room, with yourself and with others – you become incredibly powerful. When you speak to it, when there’s something uncomfortable happening, when you face it. “Total 10” respects honesty vs not admitting things.
…The natural thing is not to take responsibility, on an unconscious level, and not say “When I do this, I get this result” whereas what most people do is “when one does this” or “when this happens” and that dissociates and puts it ‘out there’ and making it stuff that’s not INSIDE OF YOU. So one of your unconscious ‘avoiding processes’ may be ‘YOU not taking responsibility’. (sidenote: RESPONSE ABILITY) No one does it to you – you do it yourself.
…Being nervous? That’s not the issue. There’s something much bigger that if you face it will knock out 30 issues you’re not facing.
…Quit holding onto your own worldview and try to really have empathy to want to know where the other person is really coming from and really understand you. Trying on the other perspective honestly – really understanding it – getting to the point where you ask enough questions to where you say “oh right I see how I would feel that way if I had that perspective” and having the other person feel you really get it [sidenote: Social constructs that aren’t reality] Stop being so closed with YOUR way that it’s surprising to you that someone different from you could have something to teach you and you could learn something from them. How do I make another human being feel understood? How do I get inside their head to the point where I can relate completely to where they’re coming from and not be too attached to my thing?
…The Belief Models exercise doesn’t have to do with the issue at hand – but UNDERSTANDING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING “Do you feel understood?” “Do you feel like the other person feels understood?” – because if the other person doesn’t feel understood you’re going nowhere with them and will be playing a little game and holding onto your thing. You could be playing your game and missing tremendous depth you could be having with other individuals. The total 10 will not play those games with you. At a deep level she’ll know whether you know if she feels understood – she’ll be able to tell. And she’ll be able to tell whether or not you care, and if she doesn’t feel like you care if she feels understood you’ll have a rift form between you and her. And it doesn’t matter who’s right. The issue doesn’t matter.
…Freezing Reality. Taking a dynamically flowing thing and turning it into a static event. Things and Events [nominalizations – turning a process into a static thing i.e. a changing feeling of two people over time and calling it “love”, love is not an event or thing, it is a process – it happens over time and is always different] or Time Binding – taking things that are happening over time and we make them one thing in our mind. Things and Events vs The Unfolding Process [Nothing is not ‘absence of a thing’ it’s just ‘there are no things’] [sidenote: “Correlations have physical reality; that which they correlate does not.”] Nothing freezes, it just doesn’t happen, things change around us but we resist it, and freezing things and time binding it’s challenging to us because how are we going to deal with it in the real world where it’s changing and moving all the time – especially if it’s changing like a relationship or interaction with a woman. The truth changes over time – and if I think ‘well the truth was this way and so it always is going to be’, well my brain is stuck and i’ve frozen it – on the other hand if I expect the truth to change, you have a different experience of life
…So, if lying is pretending to know anything for certain – then the truth might be defined as: you reporting your ongoing experience as it’s happening without expectation that it’s going to stay the same way. So what if truth was recording your experience from your perspective as it’s happening? And that was your truth – not trying to make truth be about events or things. Trying to fill your mind and life up with more things, more events more stuff – and what we’re crowding out the opportunity for something miraculous to happen to us
…Sharing is one level. But the next level is when you really feel understood, which is when a space is created because you don’t need to communicate your thing anymore or fight for your idea or justify anymore – and then what’s REALLY going on has the ability to maybe come out. Clinging – to past, now, wherever in your life, freezing and saying ‘it’s true’ generalized.
…What happened vs your story about what happened – Your experience [we’ve gotten out of touch with what we’re experiencing, how we are feeling, what’s going on inside of us, what’s coming up for us…] vs your interpretation or judgment […but we’ve gotten very attached to our judgments, our ideas, our stereotypes, our prejudices – and we’ve gotten so into them we think we’re right about them, you can hear it in the tone of voice
…Bottom line, you’re only lying when you think you’re right cause then you’re closed to the subtleties and other perspectives
…There’s a difference between what you’re actually experiencing / what it’s like to be going through in the here and now – and – all the judgments, rationales, images, generalizations and all that stuff you’ve created – there’s a distinction between the two. PROCESS and RIDE THE WAVE instead of TENSIONING IT and LET IT GO THROUGH THE OTHER SIDE – it evolves and transforms and flows and is alive. When the fear comes up or ‘my issue’ or ‘my fear’ ‘the thing’, we clinch and go ‘OH THERE IT IS AGAIN’ and now you’re stuck in that place – RATHER THAN GOING INTO WHAT WE ARE EXPERIENCING, REALLY GOING INTO WHAT WE’RE EXPERIENCING AND LETTING IT LIVE – RIDING THAT WAVE AND GOING WITH IT being with it and respecting it, and then coming out the other side – if you do it enough times you’ll just be frozen stuck in fear – [let the energy evolve and process through your body] – “I’m feeling tension”; this a judgment, STAY WITH THE EXPERIENCE, let it evolve…stop judging and trying to cling and freeze everything in place – let it ride through your body, just let it do its thing. STAY WITH THE AWARENESS – stay with your experience, not your judgments – UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE? Record your experience – focus on your breathing and follow the experience. When you let the experience ride, the next time you’ll have less want to defend or be in defensive mode yourself like usual. If you go into your head and do your judgment stuff cause that’s just what we do, you’ll miss what’s happening and you’ll block it and you won’t let it process through and you won’t actually be able to be alive, you’ll turn yourself into an event that keeps happening over and over and over, you’ll be like the movie groundhog day but for the EVENT over and over and over. LET IT HAPPEN – What if you were in that situation with a woman, what if you could let what’s happening happen? You get into what you’re experiencing rather than all the judgments and freezing stuff that you have in your head. [sidenote: Everyone has their ‘version’ of this judgment stuff]. If your mind comes up and tries to judge it, relax your mind, just let it flow, follow your body, follow the experience through your body, follow the movement let it transform, it has a message for you, follow it, notice the color, notice as it evolves, notice the location, notice the muscles, continually let it evolve, riding the wave. This exercise of not intellectualizing it but just going inside it and seeing if there’s a color, texture, where’s it at – there’s a bridge between the body and the emotions [i.e. fear gets released into the body] – and you say ‘where is it?’ feel it where is it is it moving and you flow with it, it’s like a bridge between then two worlds of the physiological and emotional, and that’s the color the tension, movement – and as you follow it it processes through your body, you let it wash through you, you experience it – and the next time it happens, it comes up again and processes through, and again, and again…and eventually just like your old game, just like your old block, instead of automatically playing your game, it automatically processes through and you move onto the next thing. [Fear of Embarrassment – it’s a positive emotion to experience – some [people] guys learn to meet women and cover this fear up with an even thicker wall]
…EMERGENCE – an emergent property; when you put a complex system together and it runs, properties emerge that you could never have anticipated, complete surprise…if you stop the system, if you don’t let it run, the properties can never emerge. If you take a 1,000,000 ants and see them each in individual cells you will see ants one way, but if you take the same 1,000,000 and put them in an ant colony it will be a totally different experience because there will be an emergent property called ‘the life of the colony’ It’s like a body can do amazing things. When you follow your experience and you make the space, what emerges can be so beyond whatever it was you were trying to do and so much greater than whatever you thought was the outcome you want to have
…'[women] people don’t want to be fixed they want to be understood and heard’. [She] people want to process, they want to let that thing process so they can get onto whatever the next thing is. They want to not block it and stop it so it won’t come back to bite them in the ass later. YOU THINK THIS PROCESS COULD HELP YOU RELATE BETTER TO [people] WOMEN, ESPECIALLY A REALLY INVOLVED [people] WOMAN THAT GETS THIS INTUITIVELY, as women tend to get tension and resolution better than men a little bit better than men. You think being with your woman [whoever] who is feeling things and you say ‘I’m right here with you, let’s go through it etc’, you think that could bond your relationship more?
…Notice when your things come up and they block you or freeze you or you don’t want to look at [ie. topics of conversation with men or women] Notice when you get that ego of “no I’m right” notice when you think you understand the other person and you say back what they said and they go “no you don’t get it” Cause that’s much more the reality. It’s not just easy to understand a person. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. One lesson, if Covey had to boil it down to one lesson – it would have been SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND. Some play games by not understanding and we get to make ourselves feel better, because if I had to challenge myself to really understand where you’re coming from I’d have to open my mind and evolve. I’d have to let myself flow. Have the awareness that your mind and the games it plays are not everything. Be with your process and them with theirs
…We take our mental challenges and lock them and then we don’t pay too much attention to them so when they come up we get this weird feeling we intellectualize about and try to use our mind to find a way out, instead of welcoming and experiencing the process, seeing if it has something to teach us. sometimes we get into our game, our way of seeing things and we become completely convinced ours is the right way, it is THE way to look at things, and we forget it’s just one of many perspectives and all of them are Partial.
…On Immaturity: What does it take to get past immaturity? What does it take to get past playing your games and trying to trick the system and get what I want and just fulfill my emotional needs and just stick with my own little bubble paradigm of my world and have that be right instead of integrating with the rest of my species? What keeps us immature? A lot of it has to do with our comfort zone. Everyone sits where they sat before – the mind just kind of leads us right back in there. We use our minds to create this complex story about why the game we’re playing is not really a game, and that’s what we use it for all the time. To rationalizing our game, and our myth and our story, and trying to fit our game into everything else that happens so it doesn’t seem too crazy or immature.
Immaturity is Dependence. A lack of “I’m okay without any rules, without any laws, without a self image, without being identified with something”
Maturity is the shift from Dependence to Independence. Independence being “not needing any of that stuff, being able to spontaneously right here come up with how I’m going to deal with this situation” Being the presence of any perspective, behaving spontaneously, Noticing when your biases and prejudices are popping up and feeling them and saying ‘interesting, hows that shifting my perception right now?’ And then be honest, reporting your ongoing truth as it’s happening, your ongoing experience. THE TRANSITION COMES FROM IDENTIFYING YOUR OWN BLOCKS. We have the road from A to B and we have to identify what’s blocking us and then we’ve got to try and remove the block, and what we all want to do is have someone else remove it i.e. 90% of new teen girls on the way to adults using credit cards for shopping. So we’re over here (A) at immature and we don’t even want to see it and we want this image that we’re better than everyone else and intellectualize with it and deal with it – how do we get from there to Independent (B)? The road there’s a block, there’s something there that’s preventing us from getting to the next level – BUT IT’S OUR BLOCK! There are category of blocks and there are tools that can help us, BUT WE HAVE TO DO OUR OWN WORK. In our instant gratification culture, we don’t want to hear that. “I want you to do my work for me”. I want to walk in one way and walk out another. To become [a man] mature you need to develop the ability to see your games, to see the block, and then go to work on removing the block, and then go to work on getting yourself to the next level. And then this becomes a spiral staircase where you just get to the next level the next etc and find one block after the other etc. HOW DO WE DO THAT? What’s the bridge? What removes the block? FRUSTRATION. FRUSTRATION IS WHAT HELPS YOU REMOVE THE BLOCK. Intentionally facing frustration and overcoming it yourself. Provocative Therapy was all about provoking other people to overcome their own stuff. Skillfully frustrating the client so they see where their block is, and they’ll wake up and go ‘oh right I’m getting frustrated – there must be something going on inside of me to trigger that – maybe I should look into that to see what it is’ And what happens? First we blame the other person (avoidance) and then we intellectualize and justify why we can’t solve the problem
…If we stick with the process and get there, we won’t be able to go back or claim ignorance anymore and just keep acting and doing the thing we were doing mindlessly and say “Oh I didn’t know”, and that’s scary because when you’ve been able to do the thing you’ve been doing your whole life mindlessly and have your justification for it, behind that wall it takes away your justification – that’s tough to keep going and look behind the wall
…1. where are you getting triggered consistently 2. what are you feeling, can you see what the challenge is 3. where in your past as young as you can remember did you have something in your past that made an impression on you, 1 event 4. what was the emotion you were feeling
…”once I understand you better, it all makes sense to me”
…Really emotional people understand that life and success in life is largely a result of your relationships and your ability to have relationships with other people – no great success has ever come without networks of relationships and trust and bonds and all that kind of thing, and emotional people in a lot of ways know this on an intuitive level and just get it – so when they run into someone that’s all head they get upset and like “you’re missing this thing and you’re stuck in your head and trying to control me!” Controlling – and it’s opposite – Submitting to Authority might be two ends of the spectrum, but the richness of life is actually in between
…the games that are keeping you from getting what you want in your life are similar to the Giraffee and the Jeep in a lot of ways. They’re just that silly.
…The Imago – imprints you get when you’re younger about what a good spouse should look like, we participated in the creation of, and we all have one, and we think they’re the right one and our minds take over in service of them and we justify and rationalize ‘oh that’s the right way’ and if it seems weird we hide it and we go through all these weird processes, and we never see it for what it was – there’s something preventing the two guys on stage from a level of intimacy with the women in their lives, intimacy as in deep connection, deep relating, deep understanding of the other, deep being in touch with yourself, deep another person being in touch with yourself, and the two of your working together on these kinds of things – can you see how those types of issues, that we all have, can block you from having a real flow and intimate communication with an evolved woman?
…In life, remove and keep evolving your own blocks
…and the woman [people] wants when you have a relationship block not to freak out and shit but to say “Another block/Another opportunity for us to grow” There’s another opportunity for us to find the next level. THAT’S WHAT SHE’S LOOKING FOR. She doesn’t expect you to be perfect. In fact, if you won’t recognize your blocks around her, and you do your little pattern and she messes with you and you do your little pattern and she messes with you – IF YOU WON’T WAKE UP AND SAY “OH, I GOT A BLOCK/I’VE GOT AN ISSUE HERE AND I WANT TO WORK THROUGH THIS” IF YOU DON’T DO THAT, YOU’RE IN TROUBLE. You understand? Immediate disconnect. Pretending it doesn’t exist – that’s not what she’s looking for. She wants you to say ‘Oh okay got into trouble, put down the tough guy thing here for a minute, I don’t have to kill a saber tooth tiger right now I don’t have to save the day or be controlling – woman of mine of who is wonderful and powerful and I am yours – help me work through this one for a moment – work with me on this, help me through it’.
…Where do you have an imprint that’s shaping your myth?
…just be in the moment
…Staying Open – seek to understand
…Failure – the word etc might be part of your whole story
…Understanding Perspectives
…Body language – don’t act like prey. Becoming more powerful/confident/stronger internally changes your body language UNINTENTIONALLY/UNCONSCIOUSLY
…We’re all playing games with ourselves and others unconsciously and automatically. One of Eben’s games, so he doesn’t owe anyone anything and can never say “I owe that person” he always contributes more to everyone he knows. What is your game? What’s the game you play to avoid, probably an emotion, or maybe the disapproval of others and emotion, maybe to please others and emotion, maybe it’s self sabotaging, maybe you’re fighting your mom or dad or everybody, maybe it’s your attachment to something – what’s your game? What’s the game you play? You may have to keep bringing yourself back “what am I trying to avoid? where’s it at?” Summarize your game – it’d be particularly useful if it has to do with how you act with a total 10. i.e. What are you trying to avoid by being rejected? What would happen if you were rejected?
…[sidenote: getting distracted with content]
…2 strategies: Seeing some we want to change and trying to change things immediately that come up – and if it doesn’t work out, we accept it [‘learned helplessness’ – the first game is the game most people play in life that keeps them trapped where they are] VS Seeing something we want to change and saying “let me ACCEPT THIS AS IT IS” and then change it. IN ORDER TO CHANGE SOMETHING YOU MUST FIRST ACCEPT IT – not understand or intellectualize it, I MEAN ACCEPT IT – GO THROUGH ACCEPTANCE, because once you accept it, you’ll understand it and have more rapport with it and understand how to channel it, how it can move
…Acceptance Levels: level 1 is resistant acceptance, level 2 is neutral acceptance, level 3 is I REALLY ACCEPT THAT and in fact welcome it, and the highest level is INVITE IT. How much rapport will you have if “I really want to invite you” versus the others? And with humans, if you really get this, that “I really do want to accept you, I want to accept you the way you are” and you don’t harbor your secret little agenda, your judgments about them, your prejudices, your I’m a little better than you, ‘I get it you don’t’, let all that go and really “I want to really understand you as a person, I want to understand where you’re coming from, I want to invite you, I want to welcome you, I want you to feel safe” – that’s what allows you to get into rapport with them, and then channel your energy and their energy together in some way. That’s the way it works. That’s the formula. The other way to get people to do things is fear, control, being domineering, that kind of thing. Not something that’s going to fulfill you in the long term. This is particular true WITH YOURSELF. Thing you want to change in you isn’t happening logically…so first we must accept ourselves as we are. Make it okay for anything that’s going on inside of you to happen, and then welcome those experiences and emotions internally, respect it when it comes up, and invite it. And know “what’s in the treasure chest?” YOU GOT TO ACCEPT YOURSELF IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE. ON ALL LEVELS.
…Johari Window – make a treasure chest for yourself. Inside your treasure chest is your treasure. When the chest is closed – you’re unconscious incompetent. When you open up the chest – you’re conscious incompetent. You reach in and start using what’s in there and taking advantage of it – conscious competence. Eventualy you can close the chest and walk away because you’re unconscious competent and its just integrated itself into your life THE NEXT LEVEL IS ‘MASTERY/FLOW’ – and it’s when you can be ALL OF THEM AT ONCE and you can flow between them as you’ve reached such a flow of mastery. Mentoring/Teaching is when they all come at once. ALSO, JUST BEFORE, THERE’S A LOCK ON YOUR TREASURE CHEST, AND THE LOCK IS “THE THINGS YOU THINK YOU KNOW”. We’re asleep walking around in a dream with other people who are dreaming with us and what prevents us from waking up is thinking we’re already awake/assuming that we are already awake “I must be awake”. The lock is thinking that you get it. THE EGO SIDE OF US, WE TRY AND RELATE IT TO SOMETHING WE ALREADY KNOW AND SAY “YA I ALREADY HEARD THAT BEFORE, I ALREADY KNEW THAT”, when you do that the lock is on there and the box is locked. You got to let go of “ya I know it I’m a smart guy”, because of the game of anybody talked about anything you say “Ya I know something about that” – THIS PREVENTS YOU FROM LEARNING AND PREVENTING YOURSELF FROM GETTING TO THE NEXT LEVEL. So always listen for people who have a tone of “Ya I get it” and they think they’re pretty cool, cause if you got that, you probably have a really big lock on your treasure chest. And you can hear that vibe with people. It comes across in their demeanor/tone/body language. So everything you think you REALLY understand is preventing you from getting to the next level – that’s a lock on your treasure chest in that particular area. Don’t make yourself cool because you know how to do something – it’s a great way to keep your box closed and locked. Anything you think you really know or you think you’re better than anybody else or smarter than anybody else – that lock is your own box, it keeps you locked out of your own greatest advantages in life and your own gifts. Interesting paradoxes.
…YOUR PERSONAL MYTH – We each have a mythology or story that we overlay onto everything else that’s happening in life. There are the facts, and then there are the story you tell yourself about the facts – your mythology take what comes in and weaves it to your model and we believe that story as ‘that’s the way it is’ – we have a myth and we overlay it on anything that’s happening. Each person has an underlying or overlaying story that’s their thing, it’s a structure that’s over the top of every single thing they’re saying. If you can’t tell, ask them to tell you a couple stories from their life and you’ll see “Oh, that’s where the overlap is”
…moving away from approval and disapproval
…PAY ATTENTION TO THE WORDS PEOPLE USE – “I don’t want them to think I’m needy” “You wouldn’t happen to be needy by any chance?” You can tell someone “I need you to speak up cause I can’t hear well in this ear” w/o sounds needy, and feeling you’re being needy by asking may be an emotional part of ‘your story’ “It’s my duty and responsibility to communicate my deficiancy so that I don’t appear needy” – maybe that’s your story/myth, and look at all the things you’re doing in your life and say ‘is that happening?’ And now, can you let go of that story and say ‘wow, I’m conscious of it and it got me to here’ and now maybe get a new one to get you to the next level